Decisions

I was often confident in my decision making, & most of the time showing people that I am confuse because wanted to show that I respect others to show that I am fair in handling situation. I often make solid decisions in handling Job, friends, & colleagues; but things often go wrong when it comes to family & relationship. Until today, I am still haunted by my friend's advises. Why is it sooooo difficult to make a decision like this? The words from my friend stunts me 'The longer you drag, you might loss both. You might as well as choose one & go for it". Is it the matter of time? Is it the matter of her? Or is it me afraid of losing?

The Road

I had been walking & walking for nearly 2 years on the same road trying to search for things that i want. But until today, i still can't find 'IT'. Initially, I am so confident this road will lead me to what I wanted; but it seems like I was wrong. During the journey, I face a lot of resistances such as nails, road blocks, difficult terrain and blocking warning signs often create & put by the road itself. Small & extreme injuries are on me during I walk through the road which causes me to almost give up. However, the road itself also being  damage & 'hurt' by me during the journey & often lead me to starting point. Sometimes, the road itself will clear the resistances along the road & again 'IT' lead me back from where I started. 

I ever heard some people use the same road that I use which easily found what they want easily, but cause the road itself hurts. It seems like the road has been 'bias' all the time. Recently, I had seriously & honestly questioned the road by my own on why it treat me 'bias'. Finally, the road tells me the reasons & secrete that 'IT' has been hiding all the time. The road itself told me that what 'IT' told me is true & bottom of its heart, although there are not many solid & obvious proofs. 

I am getting tired & exhausted after walking this road for quite some time. Friends around me often scolded me badly for choosing such a road although there are still a lot of road out there I am able to choose. I often question myself 'Why I am such a stupid & being loyal to this road although treat badly by the road?', & stupid but honest answer that often appears in my mind is 'I like and love this road'. 

After all these time, I have finally decide to look for another road that I will find the things that I wanted. Until recently, I have finally found another road that may lead me to what I wanted. I will still carry on to use the initial road that I used all these time together with the new road to try find the things that I want because I realize that the initial road can't provide any guarantee & security for me.  

Overcoming Fear

by: Howard Kern

A heart pounding exaltation into realms of the unknown,

Paralyzing dilemmas of insufferable images claimed as our own.

Things that should not be; yet still, 

they are so.

In youth we are bold as our wisdom begins to grow.

At middle age our wisdom lets us know

Fear is something that will keep you alive

And yet, 

Fear has the power to kill, body and soul.

With wisdom and knowledge, we must remain in control

Praying to the creator thereby removing fears and woe. 

Your Path, My Heartbreak

written by: Chantal Vincent

You are blinded by shame

For all you have done

It hurts me so bad

That I was never number one.

I understand your pain

Or at least say that I do.

But really, inside,

I am just as lost as you.

You understand my pain

Or at least you claim that you do.

But how can you understand something

That you have never been through.

I try to accept your reasoning

Though my heart breaks in half

I know who is more important

You chose the right path

Still I can't grasp this concept

Of you being gone

My feelings never die

I know this is wrong.

I say that I'd do anything for you

That's a promise I can no longer make

Loving you is inevitable

It's something that I can't fake.

REUNION at 18 December 2009 (Friday)

Today is public holiday, which is New Year for Muslim. It is a suitable day for me to go out with my friends and gathering after I screw all my assignments and my exam (yesterday). I suppose to go to Sibu today and the plan is cancel because of certain reasons, so I have to plan to go Sibu next week with my friends and hopefully I can do it and go further to Miri if possible.

So I went out with my friend Ricky which we have not met for nearly 4 years and others buddies. He is one of my best ‘bumi-putera’ friends I have. We go to play badminton during the morning. This friend of mine physically do not change much since the last time I saw him, just his mustache is even more longer and look mature a bit. We share our 4 years experience in about 3 hours, and we still have not finished our topic because there are too many to be discussed. So during the badminton matches we only have a few matches in the whole morning.

He told me that he really miss our school life, where we spend our time together in doing school events, tease friends and teachers together, manage our prefect team, camping, cooking, travelling, cycling, and tackle some girls. Is just like the incidents were just happened yesterday although is already 4 years. We talk about all of our classmates on where are each of them is but at last we do not manage to know where all of them are because we have lost contact with some of them. I event bring him back to our school last time, many things have change, from the colour to the student and then to the physical looks of the secondary school. We both smile when we look at it, a lot of nice and remember able incident come to our mind. He takes a few pictures as memories. We saw that the ‘Herbs Garden’ that is initially create that by us have become more beautiful, and the tree that plants by us have grown tall is nearly my height now. We are very proud.

He tells me that his old habit of only look for Chinese girl friend still has not change. Although many girls like him in his college, but all of them are not interested by him. He told me that, all of the girls often say he is ‘cute’ that is why they like him. Then he asked whether I currently have girl friend or not, and I tell him that I am not as handsome as him, there are not many girls interested to me. I tell him that all of them are not the pattern I like, and majority of them interested on me because I am more ‘mature’ in their opinion. I really do not believe that I am mature, gishhhh….. :P

Then I bring him to Boulevard and The Spring Shopping Mall to have a look and took some nice pictures there. Thanks to our friend Steven who likes to bring EOS camera and took our pictures ‘professionally’. He tells me that Kuching really change a lot in 4 years time, and he really likes Kuching. He hopes that he can do his practical when he finished his studies, because Kuching people are friendly compare to west Malaysia. He said that Chinese and Malay in west Malaysia are ‘divided’ in their daily life, as ‘bumi-putera’ they really suffer because they are at the middle, so they have less choice for friends there.

Before we split out, he teases me to help him to look for a Chinese girl friend when he come back next time, and I agreed to help him with a happy laughter. I hope that he will find his love easily and faster, and success in his studies and work in the future. Of course, I hope the same things will happen to me too. Also hopefully the next time we meet; we will be more different and changes on either physically or mentally, may luck be with us. :)

Over my credit limit!!!

Haiz...Last month spend over my credit limit to go out with my friends. But I sure met a lot of new friends. And I also meet a number of my ex-school mate which many of them have already success and most of them still struggling for their dreams. During our conversation, we found out that most of our dreams are different from the dreams that we make during secondary school and we all felt with laughter when we talk about it. Some of them have already become expert in sales, dance teacher, chefs, and event boss. Time really changes most of us. We begin to know more about each other, there are many of them which I don’t really know when we are in school, but after we hang out more often we begin to tolerate and understand each other more.
I learned not to predict people simply when we don’t understand the individual. Try to think positively every time, but with guard on.
There are a number of my friends which always complain I am mysterious, especially in my college. They always asked why I act like that and I never answer their question properly, but today I am going to let the truth out. My behaviour had slightly changed after the people I had trusted very well suddently betrayed me. Although I had done a well analysis on that person, but still my observation appears to be incorrect. That is why I don’t like people to know me well, because don’t want them to take advantages on me. Well, I will throw this act away as soon as possible and I will learn from my mistake that I had made.

How Patriotic Are You?

Last weekend is another of my working days again, me and my team have travelled to a few places to do sales again. I am with 3 'cutex2' de promoters again, and this time they even more talkative. Two of them follow me a few times already, and I just knew that she is hyper active and cold queen isssshhhh.....lol. Is ok about that. haha. There is a new one, more 'cute', talk like cartoon...lol...The last one is the 'most cute', very rude and her tactic is to quarrel with customers and got a bit tom boy look hehe.

During my trip, I saw a very special view at 13mile that I would like to share. I saw a bike that put a small and a big flag on his bike, damn...I never see kampung people very patriotic!!! Are we city de people very unpatriotic?And It has been years I seldom see cars put flags after Shell have stop to give out flags during Merdeka month. Actually for me, I love my country is just that I never express it out. Well we all know that chinese love their in their heart, we only act in suitable incident. But the flags can really remind people about national day is near and is the 51th year.

I had been to 17th mile, and finally have tried the laksa there which is consider as popular there. Is some where near the market of 17th mile. Initially I though it is nice by looking at the special bowls and spoons that they used, and the aromatic smell, but after I have tried I think it is standard. I still think that laksa in Kuching is better haha.

On the second day, I go my kampung there to sales. And guess what? The people there are 'cheap skate'...The majority of the sales are from the people we knew. Haiz...I met a old folk who try to making fun of my team. He said "Batu Kawa people don't use hand phone" with a very loud voice. Spontaneously, I shout back "ya they don't because they use computer to contact". The people around laughed because of my 'cool words' the old folk got nothing to say but to quiet. Yes!!!!muahahahaha.....I kena him back. lol.

I really hope that I can think of a place or a way to hit my sales target this month hehe. If don't I will be eating west and north wind hehe...what are you laughing at???