What Is In My Mind.

Alone, Forever?

Letter

Dear Blog,

How are you lately? It has been a long time since I last posted something on you. My life is still consider as normal recently with work, studies, sports, reading and a bit of socialize. 

My career so far so good, recent career success has decided my future and path next year which I will move and involve in a higher level of challenge and environment. I am suppose to be happy by now, but it seems like I don't have that feeling so far. I have suddenly  I started to doubt with my current life. 

I had chat with my mom for about an hour which yesterday which I haven't done that for quite a long time. I suddenly ask her that whether she is happy with what I have done so far in terms of lifestyle, career and relationships. Initially, I aspect that she will give a lot of unsatisfied comments, but she didn't. Just like any other good mom does, she comfort me with good and touching words and never doubt what I am doing although she is not fully satisfied with my life. The conversation ends with 'I love you mom' which are words that I haven't said it for a long time...With my tears almost drop. LOL. I know it is embarrassed for a guy to do that but I can't control my feeling. Don't laugh ya blog!

Besides that, it has been long time since I call someone to chat (long time). I really don't know who to call. Every time when I feel like looking for someone to chat with my phone on hand but my finger seems not pressing any number. There is once a person that I use to chat with, but now no longer feel like calling. We use to speak and share a lot of things with comfortably until recently things has been different which caused us to nearly lost contact. Maybe is because of my attitude that don't like being ignore, most of the time called but being treated as annoying, late or won't reply my call plus sometimes being asked to call back but ends up one way conversation? Maybe is my feeling that I am only a replacement of her when she is free? Or maybe I just don't like to talk because of many hidden secretes, and limitations during the conversations which I think are lies?

Honestly, I can't find any people to chat with so far. Maybe I will just chat with you blog? At least you are willing to share my things, with no limitations. Cheers!  =D

Best Regards,

Jason

Decisions

I was often confident in my decision making, & most of the time showing people that I am confuse because wanted to show that I respect others to show that I am fair in handling situation. I often make solid decisions in handling Job, friends, & colleagues; but things often go wrong when it comes to family & relationship. Until today, I am still haunted by my friend's advises. Why is it sooooo difficult to make a decision like this? The words from my friend stunts me 'The longer you drag, you might loss both. You might as well as choose one & go for it". Is it the matter of time? Is it the matter of her? Or is it me afraid of losing?

The Road

I had been walking & walking for nearly 2 years on the same road trying to search for things that i want. But until today, i still can't find 'IT'. Initially, I am so confident this road will lead me to what I wanted; but it seems like I was wrong. During the journey, I face a lot of resistances such as nails, road blocks, difficult terrain and blocking warning signs often create & put by the road itself. Small & extreme injuries are on me during I walk through the road which causes me to almost give up. However, the road itself also being  damage & 'hurt' by me during the journey & often lead me to starting point. Sometimes, the road itself will clear the resistances along the road & again 'IT' lead me back from where I started. 

I ever heard some people use the same road that I use which easily found what they want easily, but cause the road itself hurts. It seems like the road has been 'bias' all the time. Recently, I had seriously & honestly questioned the road by my own on why it treat me 'bias'. Finally, the road tells me the reasons & secrete that 'IT' has been hiding all the time. The road itself told me that what 'IT' told me is true & bottom of its heart, although there are not many solid & obvious proofs. 

I am getting tired & exhausted after walking this road for quite some time. Friends around me often scolded me badly for choosing such a road although there are still a lot of road out there I am able to choose. I often question myself 'Why I am such a stupid & being loyal to this road although treat badly by the road?', & stupid but honest answer that often appears in my mind is 'I like and love this road'. 

After all these time, I have finally decide to look for another road that I will find the things that I wanted. Until recently, I have finally found another road that may lead me to what I wanted. I will still carry on to use the initial road that I used all these time together with the new road to try find the things that I want because I realize that the initial road can't provide any guarantee & security for me.  

Overcoming Fear

by: Howard Kern

A heart pounding exaltation into realms of the unknown,

Paralyzing dilemmas of insufferable images claimed as our own.

Things that should not be; yet still, 

they are so.

In youth we are bold as our wisdom begins to grow.

At middle age our wisdom lets us know

Fear is something that will keep you alive

And yet, 

Fear has the power to kill, body and soul.

With wisdom and knowledge, we must remain in control

Praying to the creator thereby removing fears and woe. 

Your Path, My Heartbreak

written by: Chantal Vincent

You are blinded by shame

For all you have done

It hurts me so bad

That I was never number one.

I understand your pain

Or at least say that I do.

But really, inside,

I am just as lost as you.

You understand my pain

Or at least you claim that you do.

But how can you understand something

That you have never been through.

I try to accept your reasoning

Though my heart breaks in half

I know who is more important

You chose the right path

Still I can't grasp this concept

Of you being gone

My feelings never die

I know this is wrong.

I say that I'd do anything for you

That's a promise I can no longer make

Loving you is inevitable

It's something that I can't fake.

REUNION at 18 December 2009 (Friday)

Today is public holiday, which is New Year for Muslim. It is a suitable day for me to go out with my friends and gathering after I screw all my assignments and my exam (yesterday). I suppose to go to Sibu today and the plan is cancel because of certain reasons, so I have to plan to go Sibu next week with my friends and hopefully I can do it and go further to Miri if possible.

So I went out with my friend Ricky which we have not met for nearly 4 years and others buddies. He is one of my best ‘bumi-putera’ friends I have. We go to play badminton during the morning. This friend of mine physically do not change much since the last time I saw him, just his mustache is even more longer and look mature a bit. We share our 4 years experience in about 3 hours, and we still have not finished our topic because there are too many to be discussed. So during the badminton matches we only have a few matches in the whole morning.

He told me that he really miss our school life, where we spend our time together in doing school events, tease friends and teachers together, manage our prefect team, camping, cooking, travelling, cycling, and tackle some girls. Is just like the incidents were just happened yesterday although is already 4 years. We talk about all of our classmates on where are each of them is but at last we do not manage to know where all of them are because we have lost contact with some of them. I event bring him back to our school last time, many things have change, from the colour to the student and then to the physical looks of the secondary school. We both smile when we look at it, a lot of nice and remember able incident come to our mind. He takes a few pictures as memories. We saw that the ‘Herbs Garden’ that is initially create that by us have become more beautiful, and the tree that plants by us have grown tall is nearly my height now. We are very proud.

He tells me that his old habit of only look for Chinese girl friend still has not change. Although many girls like him in his college, but all of them are not interested by him. He told me that, all of the girls often say he is ‘cute’ that is why they like him. Then he asked whether I currently have girl friend or not, and I tell him that I am not as handsome as him, there are not many girls interested to me. I tell him that all of them are not the pattern I like, and majority of them interested on me because I am more ‘mature’ in their opinion. I really do not believe that I am mature, gishhhh….. :P

Then I bring him to Boulevard and The Spring Shopping Mall to have a look and took some nice pictures there. Thanks to our friend Steven who likes to bring EOS camera and took our pictures ‘professionally’. He tells me that Kuching really change a lot in 4 years time, and he really likes Kuching. He hopes that he can do his practical when he finished his studies, because Kuching people are friendly compare to west Malaysia. He said that Chinese and Malay in west Malaysia are ‘divided’ in their daily life, as ‘bumi-putera’ they really suffer because they are at the middle, so they have less choice for friends there.

Before we split out, he teases me to help him to look for a Chinese girl friend when he come back next time, and I agreed to help him with a happy laughter. I hope that he will find his love easily and faster, and success in his studies and work in the future. Of course, I hope the same things will happen to me too. Also hopefully the next time we meet; we will be more different and changes on either physically or mentally, may luck be with us. :)

Over my credit limit!!!

Haiz...Last month spend over my credit limit to go out with my friends. But I sure met a lot of new friends. And I also meet a number of my ex-school mate which many of them have already success and most of them still struggling for their dreams. During our conversation, we found out that most of our dreams are different from the dreams that we make during secondary school and we all felt with laughter when we talk about it. Some of them have already become expert in sales, dance teacher, chefs, and event boss. Time really changes most of us. We begin to know more about each other, there are many of them which I don’t really know when we are in school, but after we hang out more often we begin to tolerate and understand each other more.
I learned not to predict people simply when we don’t understand the individual. Try to think positively every time, but with guard on.
There are a number of my friends which always complain I am mysterious, especially in my college. They always asked why I act like that and I never answer their question properly, but today I am going to let the truth out. My behaviour had slightly changed after the people I had trusted very well suddently betrayed me. Although I had done a well analysis on that person, but still my observation appears to be incorrect. That is why I don’t like people to know me well, because don’t want them to take advantages on me. Well, I will throw this act away as soon as possible and I will learn from my mistake that I had made.

How Patriotic Are You?

Last weekend is another of my working days again, me and my team have travelled to a few places to do sales again. I am with 3 'cutex2' de promoters again, and this time they even more talkative. Two of them follow me a few times already, and I just knew that she is hyper active and cold queen isssshhhh.....lol. Is ok about that. haha. There is a new one, more 'cute', talk like cartoon...lol...The last one is the 'most cute', very rude and her tactic is to quarrel with customers and got a bit tom boy look hehe.

During my trip, I saw a very special view at 13mile that I would like to share. I saw a bike that put a small and a big flag on his bike, damn...I never see kampung people very patriotic!!! Are we city de people very unpatriotic?And It has been years I seldom see cars put flags after Shell have stop to give out flags during Merdeka month. Actually for me, I love my country is just that I never express it out. Well we all know that chinese love their in their heart, we only act in suitable incident. But the flags can really remind people about national day is near and is the 51th year.

I had been to 17th mile, and finally have tried the laksa there which is consider as popular there. Is some where near the market of 17th mile. Initially I though it is nice by looking at the special bowls and spoons that they used, and the aromatic smell, but after I have tried I think it is standard. I still think that laksa in Kuching is better haha.

On the second day, I go my kampung there to sales. And guess what? The people there are 'cheap skate'...The majority of the sales are from the people we knew. Haiz...I met a old folk who try to making fun of my team. He said "Batu Kawa people don't use hand phone" with a very loud voice. Spontaneously, I shout back "ya they don't because they use computer to contact". The people around laughed because of my 'cool words' the old folk got nothing to say but to quiet. Yes!!!!muahahahaha.....I kena him back. lol.

I really hope that I can think of a place or a way to hit my sales target this month hehe. If don't I will be eating west and north wind hehe...what are you laughing at???

TV3 Jom Heboh!!!

Aiks, pic taken at day 1 not clear...

Me & my team pic taken in day 2...

Hotlink Caller Ringtone Station

Hotlink Transformer Truck...

Hotlink Main Entraince

Hotlink Game Station

Hotlink Team Overall View

It had been about 3 weeks since I updated my blog coz I had just finish my exam. This event happened about 3 weeks ago, where I work with Maxis at Stadium Petra Jaya. It was quite enjoyable sales experience where we face majority of the crowd are bumiputera(customers) but the sales person and the event management leader are chinese....

Actually me and my working partner got go 'snake' for some time, hehe...we go try some malay and bumi food and drinks there arrrrgggg.... really can get use to it all very sweet and spicy in taste. Hopefully my boss didn't see this hehe. During the event, Hotlink had hired some malay celebrities which one of them is called Adam if I not mistaken. Well, what I really attracted is Malaysia celebrities now got a bit standard. They can dance quite well, and even a fat person can dance very well until the ppl down the concert should very loud....Weeheew....Can't believe with my own eyes.

The thinks I hated during the evernt is there is only one toilet there and I have to walk for about 15 minutes to reach there. Really inconvenient... ^$^#@%@#&* WTH is the management doing? And it is the first time I didn't go to toilet in about 14 hours together with drinking about 3.5liters of water in a day. I really brake my record...

Our sales is consider ok, although is not the highest among the teams. We are really exhausted during night time, luckily our boss bring us to Open air at 'Pasar' to have porridge...ah...very nice...we ate together with salted fish, eggs, and bilin. This is my first time visit a place like tis to have porridge, I want go there again!!!haha. Lastly I went home at about 1.30 p.m. tiring but happy experience.

Finally free on Saturday

Tongkat Ali alchoholic drinks.

It has been a long time since the last Saturday I did not work, can’t get use to it for a while but I feel happy. Haha. So I decided to watch movie at star. A bit unlucky this time coz when we arrived to buy the tickets, only left 2 rows in front. So me and my friend purchase the 2nd role. It was still half hour to the movie, me and my friend decided to go ‘kia kia’ around there. Lastly we came to Ting & Ting, and what attract us are their alcoholic drinks. We saw variety of alcoholic drinks there and got ‘Tongkat Ali’ also which have about 40% alcohol. Wew~~~I never know that Tongkat Ali can make alcoholic drinks.

I have begun to like watching comedy and funny de movie recently, don’t know why leh…I feel like life is all about happy. So me and my friend watch ‘Ice Age 3’ today, and it is really funny the movie until you can heard non-stop laughing in the Cineplex. The movie finished around 10.30 p.m. and we went to BDC to have some snack, but lastly we only ‘da bao’. This friend of my introduce me the ‘chu chang fen’ at xiang xiang corner there, and is quite nice. The smell is nice compare to the ‘chu chang fen’ I ever try, haha nice…I began to like the food.

This friend of mine is a bit funny; she seldom takes her own picture although she has a nice camera phone. She always complain herself is not beautiful, but actually she can be beautiful if she know how to make up and dress herself. I hope she won’t be angry after read this haha…Well, wish she can find someone that will change her life after she went to Singapore lo...haha.

I make it!!!

Today is another of my working day. Luckily I success to achieve my sales target, thanks to my promoters and the blessing from God. I discover a few interesting place in Kuching today, I feel like I am ‘balik kampung’ during my working hours. I find out there is a place name ‘Big Hand Food Court’ on the 13th mile. The special thing is there really is a big hand statue there…The 22th mile which know as Tapah Village quite cool, got a big statue of vegetable. Walao…The promoters that I meat are all very nice and friendly, and all of them live at my ‘kampung’ so we can communicate quite well…haha…We when to 10th mile, 13th mile, 17th mile, 22nd mile and then Serian. In Serian, I saw a person selling big lizard meat. I though big lizards suppose to be a protected animal, how come they can sell it in open? After the sales, I bring the promoters to 17th mile to eat ‘ABC’ and ‘rojak’ that my friend introduced to me, but this time I try the opposite shop. The taste is slightly better and the ‘ABC’ which cost only RM1 so cheap. haha….
During the night, I went to Padawan Fest with my friends. Just like as usual, the activities don’t have new events. Me and my friends was attracted by the motor fair there, there are many new model of motor cycle which attract us to look at it about 20 minutes. Then we went to have a drink, my friend invited me a beer and the good things is I finally broke my record of drinking beer. Wow, it is a success for me haha….I have finished ¾ beers from the tin, but my face ends up red after that. Luckily I am not drunk. I hope I can finish a can of beer next time.

Bad Day

Ever heard of song named ‘Bad Day’ by R.E.M.? I use to hate the song very much because it sounds stupid for me. But I began to have interest on the song started today.
Today is my assignment due date, me and my group almost had finished everything we go to college for final discussion during the afternoon. I am really confidence that I only have to go to college for less than one hour, and so I bring my printer to college so that I can print my assignment faster. A few of my think that I must be crazy, but the truth is I am not the only one who bring printer to college there are a few I saw in entertainment room.
My bad luck began after that, first my printer can’t support my friend computer because is windows vista. So I decide to go to our school library to print the assignment but the line was very long. Then I call to my friends that live near town area and all of them are not home, hence I have no option but to go to ask help from my boss.
When we almost finish printing, I realize there are still left some assignment in my friend’s computer, so I have no choice but to go back to college again. After I get the assignment, I rush to the library and it was about 5.30p.m. . There were only a few people left asking for printing and I was very happy of that. Who knows the printer of the library is almost running out of ink that is the reason why there were a few people.
I quickly call to my friends again and luckily I found someone that can help me print my left out assignment. Thanks to her, if not I don’t think I really can submit my assignment in time. I have found out something very nice to drink today, her mother ‘chia’ me drink purple carrot juice. Wow it is very nice…...I really like the drinks when I first time try it. When she was helping me printing, her printer showed ink empty and the printer suddenly jammed. I was talking to myself at that time, oh man I am really not going to make it. I pray for God, please let the printer done the printing. Pretty please…..Luckily, the printer come back online after two minutes.

Then I went to college again, and prepare for submit. Then, I found out I lost my marking criteria form. Luckily I met a friend that submits the same subject, and I borrow his to Photostat a new one. After that, I began to staple my assignment, who knows the staple suddenly jammed. After about few minutes of my repairing, it is as good as new. I finally able to submit the assignment on about 7p.m. Thanks to God and my friends because giving me help. I hope it would not happen like this tomorrow…Ganbateh to myself!!!

Stress......

Today I am not in a good mood. I keep quiet during having lunch with my classmate... I wonder what will they think about me? I feel stress recently because of a lot of assignment need to be done. Besides that I give tuition 3 times in a week and work during weekends, and family day, this means I only have 1 night free in a week. Many of my friends keep asking me to go out, but I always rejected their invitation. I hope they could understand I am very busy recently, and I am not doing this in purpose.

It had been almost a year since I become a tuitor. I actually don't like being a teacher, but before my sister left Kuching she told me to take good care of her student so I have to make sure that he really can follow up in his studies. Things become excited when I realize that he is a colour blind, and he is a slow learner. I have try to figure any way that I can take to help him, but after two weeks he is still the same. I have now understood why my sister always said that is though to be a teacher.

More over, I am stress because thinking of how to achieve this month sales target for maxis. On the 11th of July I haven't think where should I go when leading my team. Haiz...The numbers that my boss bought recently is not nice. Is it possible for my team to achieve at least 20 pcs of sales in 8 hours on that day in such market? While for celcom I really hope that I could sale more for them next time I become their promoter. I feel sorry for my boss cause every time the sales of celcom is not good recently. While for digi, I will try my best.

Hopefully I can finish my assignment on before next monday, I feel sorry to my friend 'gazy' cause didn't manage to handout the assignment for check on time. I will be going to play badminton tomorrow with my ex-classmate, hopefully this can reduce my stress lol....

How I celebrate fathers day

Today I am working with Maxis again...I woke up early in the morning, then I prepare things that I needed then directly go to work. I have been at Kaya & Toast Before 9a.m. & guess what? Damn! the promoter manager has mistakely arrange the time that we suppose to meet. They arrive around 10 a.m. haiz...so today have to go home 1 hour late...Today's girl promoters quite beautiful de, at first I said to my self today's sales must be very good lol. But, after we been to Satok, MJC, & 3rd mile the sales was not as I expected, haiz...maybe next time I should go to a more suitable and further place. Today, I meet many of my friends during my working hours, especially those I don't wanted to meet especially 'K' haiz...always trying to 'rosak' my work.

After working hours, that is after 6p.m. I went home. I though this year's fathers day would be like usual, but my aunty & uncle have invited me & my mom to their house for dinner. Because of the work, I have been to my uncle's house late. We had the dinner happily and we chat about our recent life and our pass. I still remember, when I was a kid I ever live with my uncle for some time. He always bring me to school, though me to fishing, swimming, feed and catch chicken, collecting koko, 'lada', and vegetables. That is the time where I really knew what a kampung life were. Those were one of the happy moment in my life.

When I was a kid I ever lost in the jungle that is near my uncle house. Luckily, I remember what my uncle ever though me that don't shout when you lost in a jungle, try to look at the sun as compass and you will found your way home. I success to find my way out after I follow all the steps he though me. Thanks uncle, thanks for every things you though me, you are very nice....Happy Fathers Day...and there ends another of my day.

Lonely Fathers Day this week................

It has been my 11th time not celebrating fathers day...and I almost forget what is the true meaning of it...I still remember the last time celebrating the special day with him. That time father was very sick, and that was the most difficult but happy moment in life. My family don't have much money to buy food celebrates so we just have 2 chicken drumsticks for him, after the dinner I gave him a very special gift that he & me will never forget in life. This is the first time I give him a selfmade fathers day card, although it is quite ugly, but my father feels proud that his son finally knows what is the meaning of fathers day.

Then he tell me three things that I will never forget in my life. First, not to easily give up in life, stand up when you fall down, never let yourself on the ground when you still have breath. Secondly, ignore nonsense that someone talk about you and no need to explain more when someone don't believe in you. Thirdly, always be happy no matter what surrounding you are in. Lastly, he promised me a thing he would never achieve in his life, that is he would see me graduate in university. He pass away after 5 months...

Today, many of my friends have leave Kuching, go for their adventures university life and many of them have almost success in their dream. I am the only one left stay in kuching here...still far away from success. Just doing some part time works and having a normal College life. I feel my self very far away from my ex-classmate...haiz....

But I promise you dad, when I have breath I will try to reach my goal no matter how many time I fall down. I wouldn't complain the one who blame me without knowing what is my excuse, and I will always be happy....I love you dad...you will always in my heart...always....There will always a Fathers Day in my heart. Happy Fathers Day. And I love you too mom although you always like to blame me with a very weird and nonsense reasons.

SUSHI! SUSHI! SUSHI! LOL!

Gawai again o...it reminds me of difficult to look for food in kuching. Only restaurant like KFC, Pizza Hut, Mc Donald, sushi King and other similar restaurant open till night time. This year Gawai I am doing the same thing like last year, working at sushi king haha.coz salary double pay. It has been 1 year since the last time I work at sushi king, at first i was affraid that i may forget most of the things like menu and names of the food, but I manage to remember all lol. there is a few new sushi haha. Ya ya there is a new sushi I would like to recommend, is cheese maki. taste very good, but unluckily i don have the picture....

views in sushi king taken during my working hours.haha.(pic 1)

(pic 2)

Sushi King latest promotion 'COUNT THE FISH' just dine-in & u will have a chance to win nicex2 de prize.

i m in wearing cheft's uniform haha.

Sushi I had ate after closing...wah sui...very nice.Got unagi, sake mayo, tuna mayo, kani-tama & so on. Wakaka...

Actually my main objective working in Sushi King on Gawai is to eat free sushi...lol

Me learn a few new recipe for sushi today.Muahahaha~~~

Trip To Sri Aman, Engkilili, L.A., and Batang Ai

Sri Aman white pigeon. Views from river side at Sri Aman



'Ba Ge' statue at Sri Aman. Views from river side at Sri Aman.

Most meaningful bridge in Engkilili. Part of Batang Ai river at Engkilili.



Boats near the river used to be the main transport for the area.

Handicraft sold in Lubok Antu. Watch Tower at L.A.




Small Market at L.A.



Views on the Batang Ai Dam. Views on Batang Ai visiting station.

This is the place where they feed the KALAPIA fish. Picture of Batang Ai's Dam, but can't see very small.

DIGI PREPAID SUCKS!!! TRICKY NEW TERMS & CONDITION!

Arg!!! I can't believe after Digi upgrade their service, their charges for their rates had change! More hidden T&C.

Well there are as below:

1-Super sms is not apply for friends n family numbers. Which mean although you use 50cents today, you still have to pay for sms to friends n family. More over, the 50 cents is calculated only when u sms to digi number that besides friends n family.

2-During your birthday if you reload, you will receive 50% extra. Now, the free credit can't be transfer. You are only allowed to transfer when you finish ur free credit.

3-You are not allowed to use super sms unless you have finish your free credit. (For super sms subscriber)

Well, last week when I sms only 3 sms to my friends n family number. There is a massage from digi state that I already use 50cents that day, I was shock coz it is suppose to be 3 cents only. Then I decided to call digi help line, but nobody answer. I am very dissapointed to digi, I had already been a digi user for 4 years. haiz...currently I am using Hotlink Youth club, cheaper call rates haha, more suitable for me.