What Is In My Mind.

Alone, Forever?

Letter

Dear Blog,

How are you lately? It has been a long time since I last posted something on you. My life is still consider as normal recently with work, studies, sports, reading and a bit of socialize. 

My career so far so good, recent career success has decided my future and path next year which I will move and involve in a higher level of challenge and environment. I am suppose to be happy by now, but it seems like I don't have that feeling so far. I have suddenly  I started to doubt with my current life. 

I had chat with my mom for about an hour which yesterday which I haven't done that for quite a long time. I suddenly ask her that whether she is happy with what I have done so far in terms of lifestyle, career and relationships. Initially, I aspect that she will give a lot of unsatisfied comments, but she didn't. Just like any other good mom does, she comfort me with good and touching words and never doubt what I am doing although she is not fully satisfied with my life. The conversation ends with 'I love you mom' which are words that I haven't said it for a long time...With my tears almost drop. LOL. I know it is embarrassed for a guy to do that but I can't control my feeling. Don't laugh ya blog!

Besides that, it has been long time since I call someone to chat (long time). I really don't know who to call. Every time when I feel like looking for someone to chat with my phone on hand but my finger seems not pressing any number. There is once a person that I use to chat with, but now no longer feel like calling. We use to speak and share a lot of things with comfortably until recently things has been different which caused us to nearly lost contact. Maybe is because of my attitude that don't like being ignore, most of the time called but being treated as annoying, late or won't reply my call plus sometimes being asked to call back but ends up one way conversation? Maybe is my feeling that I am only a replacement of her when she is free? Or maybe I just don't like to talk because of many hidden secretes, and limitations during the conversations which I think are lies?

Honestly, I can't find any people to chat with so far. Maybe I will just chat with you blog? At least you are willing to share my things, with no limitations. Cheers!  =D

Best Regards,

Jason

Decisions

I was often confident in my decision making, & most of the time showing people that I am confuse because wanted to show that I respect others to show that I am fair in handling situation. I often make solid decisions in handling Job, friends, & colleagues; but things often go wrong when it comes to family & relationship. Until today, I am still haunted by my friend's advises. Why is it sooooo difficult to make a decision like this? The words from my friend stunts me 'The longer you drag, you might loss both. You might as well as choose one & go for it". Is it the matter of time? Is it the matter of her? Or is it me afraid of losing?

The Road

I had been walking & walking for nearly 2 years on the same road trying to search for things that i want. But until today, i still can't find 'IT'. Initially, I am so confident this road will lead me to what I wanted; but it seems like I was wrong. During the journey, I face a lot of resistances such as nails, road blocks, difficult terrain and blocking warning signs often create & put by the road itself. Small & extreme injuries are on me during I walk through the road which causes me to almost give up. However, the road itself also being  damage & 'hurt' by me during the journey & often lead me to starting point. Sometimes, the road itself will clear the resistances along the road & again 'IT' lead me back from where I started. 

I ever heard some people use the same road that I use which easily found what they want easily, but cause the road itself hurts. It seems like the road has been 'bias' all the time. Recently, I had seriously & honestly questioned the road by my own on why it treat me 'bias'. Finally, the road tells me the reasons & secrete that 'IT' has been hiding all the time. The road itself told me that what 'IT' told me is true & bottom of its heart, although there are not many solid & obvious proofs. 

I am getting tired & exhausted after walking this road for quite some time. Friends around me often scolded me badly for choosing such a road although there are still a lot of road out there I am able to choose. I often question myself 'Why I am such a stupid & being loyal to this road although treat badly by the road?', & stupid but honest answer that often appears in my mind is 'I like and love this road'. 

After all these time, I have finally decide to look for another road that I will find the things that I wanted. Until recently, I have finally found another road that may lead me to what I wanted. I will still carry on to use the initial road that I used all these time together with the new road to try find the things that I want because I realize that the initial road can't provide any guarantee & security for me.  

Overcoming Fear

by: Howard Kern

A heart pounding exaltation into realms of the unknown,

Paralyzing dilemmas of insufferable images claimed as our own.

Things that should not be; yet still, 

they are so.

In youth we are bold as our wisdom begins to grow.

At middle age our wisdom lets us know

Fear is something that will keep you alive

And yet, 

Fear has the power to kill, body and soul.

With wisdom and knowledge, we must remain in control

Praying to the creator thereby removing fears and woe. 

Your Path, My Heartbreak

written by: Chantal Vincent

You are blinded by shame

For all you have done

It hurts me so bad

That I was never number one.

I understand your pain

Or at least say that I do.

But really, inside,

I am just as lost as you.

You understand my pain

Or at least you claim that you do.

But how can you understand something

That you have never been through.

I try to accept your reasoning

Though my heart breaks in half

I know who is more important

You chose the right path

Still I can't grasp this concept

Of you being gone

My feelings never die

I know this is wrong.

I say that I'd do anything for you

That's a promise I can no longer make

Loving you is inevitable

It's something that I can't fake.